fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
So many bounce houses so little time
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He shit in the fireplace
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
