Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Send help, water and tortillas.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
