Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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