Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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