I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
