I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
