Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
