WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize