What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
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