I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
