so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
