So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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