seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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