i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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