bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
