Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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