I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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