Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
