Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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