im about as happy as oj after his trial
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
