I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Randomize
