i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
