It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
