Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
