So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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