I met the friendliest cop last night
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
you win again, gameday.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize