Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
