sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Randomize
