you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
