Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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