R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
