If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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