Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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