omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
