Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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