No stitches, just platelets and will power
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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