Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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