We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Redeem this text for a blowjob
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize