someone threw a dead crab at me
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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