Can Purell be used as lube?
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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