If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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