His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
