After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
