Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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