please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
