Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I need to calm my uterus...
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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