I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
