very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
