I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Green mimosas i think yes
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
