woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
